Because you can

I am Crazy.
Bipolar, Intense, Hyper sensitive, etc. U know. The whole deal. Nutcase.
I have days when I feel like the world is my playground. Every thought manifests effortlessly and just by being me, everything falls into place perfectly. And then I have days when I am so depressed that I can't get out of bed. The world hurts. People in it hurt and I feel everything.

Today was one of these days. I had a mad fight with someone I really love so I took a sleeping pill and crawled into bed to not deal with anything. I didn't think I would ever escape like this again or get this down but I guess I still have issues from a long time ago I need to work out. Anyway, I was woken up by a friend of mine. Someone I haven't spent a lot of time with but someone who has been more influential to me than most people I have met.

Him: Hi Kerli. How are you?
Me: I'm good. No. Actually I am not good. I feel horrible. I can't get out of bed.
Him: What happened?
Me: Nothing, really. Just one of these days.
Him: Well. U want me to tell u something that will make u feel better?
Me: Yes
Him: (Makes alien noises, laughs hysterically)
Me: U are fucking crazy
Him: It's just your body trying to trick u into thinking that u don't have any control over your emotions. See, us, humans...we are crazy. We think that we need to do this and this and this to be happy and look for bliss from someplace else. But the truth is, we were all born happy. We have it inside us already. Just be happy. it's simple. Laugh with me.
Me: Hahahaha. This is uncomfortable. I am almost too self conscious to just laugh out loud for no reason.
Him: Ok. Do u wanna know why u should really get out of bed?
Me: Yes
Him: Because u can.

That's right. What a piece of shit am I to forget how privileged I am to be healthy and alive. :: I'll try harder to remember.

ps: posting a picture of some fairy shoes. Freakin cute.

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Creepy!

I was laying in my bed yesterday and I felt all these angels surrounding me. I think a lot of us are now experiencing a great change and there's kind of a void of energy before we are ready to completely align with the new and live our dreams. Therefore we also have more guides and angels with us than we did before. There's always more of them when we are experiencing a lot of stress or change. So exciting! Anyway, I was laying there, all smiling and stuff, trying to talk to them when I suddenly saw the most malicious, evil creature ever. It, him, I guess, was OLD. Like thousands of years ooooold. And ugly and bald. and it was laughing the creepiest laugh ever. I think it also had more hands and feet than humans. And I heard sounds of a car crash and tires screeching. I called my best friend Vespertine in LA and woke him up from a dream where he had just had a car crash He stayed up with me until 3 am and sent me love all night. Vespertine, u rock! Every time we are ready to get to a new level as a soul, it feels like dark and light start fighting over us. I know it's happening to a lot of us right now. Every time you are about to get closer to your true mission, every time you are about to become more powerful, there's gonna be the other side that also wants you in their army. As if!!! They can make us scared but they can't have us.

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We are like fabric

I was sitting in some crappy mexican restaurant the other day and suddenly saw all the people being connected to each other by these rays of emerald green light. The weird homeless guy with no freakin teeth wasn't outside my body anymore. We were all parts of the same fabric. The wannabe young actor sitting in the corner wasn't outside my body either and instead of laughing at him and thinking how he's never gonna make it (or maybe he is), I felt nothing but compassion and love for everyone. I saw the whole picture. We were just dots on this big flowy fabric and it was funny to see how we build things and gather together or move away from each other. And I realized how utterly important and how insignificant we all are. Somebody being hurt is not just their problem. It's our problem too. It's OUR body. The world can feel like real shit sometimes and half the time I can't get out of bed because I feel all the pain in the world. But we can at least try. TO. BE. LOVE. ps: third day with no cigarettes. Just had one to celebrate.

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Moon marks

Moon marks are the dots that fairies told me to draw on my face as a promise to look with my heart, not with my eyes. It consists of three dots that stand for INTEGRITY LOVE and UNITY xxx

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Diary

Oh, 2 and 9 make 11 so it must be a good day. I haven't been doing a lot of myspace stuff lately because I am in this crazy song writing mode. U know what is crazy? The fact that there are certain teams who are famous for cranking out these big radio hits over and over again, so, of course all the artists will go and write with them to find THE song. But most of these people are super super normal, work from 9 to 5 and have kids. Of course, they are talented, but since they have had so much success, they are not hungry anymore, I really miss working with someone who is hungry, so I'd much rather write on my own and be so excited about these tracks that I can't sleep. I think people overall, forget that we are here for only a very short time so the least we can do, is to have fun. Not like self destructive getting fucked up fun but just pure, simple, childlike fun. I went to the desert with this guy Josh, who is a producer and he had a really interesting theory about when you are trying to make up your mind about something. He said there is 4 questions u are gonna ask from yourself: 1)Is this gonna hurt me? Obviously, when something is gonna hurt you, you stop. Easy in theory, not so easy in real life. 2)Is this gonna hurt anybody else? Every thought, word and action of yours is meaningful, so meaning other people harm will definitely come back double. Again, easy to say, hard to do, but that's why we're here, right? To overcome all this crap and become who we really are. 3)Am I gonna learn something from this? Always wanna learn something. Experiences make us who we are. 4)Am I gonna have fun? Yes! Fun is important. Life is interesting and colorful with all these wonderful people and places and weird nuances. Just enjoy everything you do. If you decide to sweep floors for the rest of your life, at least be the best fucking floor sweeper in the world and give people a smile when they walk by. So the keyword for today is FUN:) loooove k

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